On June 30, 2021, I celebrated a huge milestone in my life. I turned the big 4-0. It’s a birthday we can all be proud of celebrating, especially when you think of the one that comes in ten years. Between my actual birthday and the Fourth of July, my family and friends took advantage of the event by treating me to dinner and celebrating my milestone achievement.

It was a fun long weekend, and I felt loved and blessed by those who cared about me. 40 is an age where you really begin to get serious about planning long-term, and also it’s a time to look back and see how far you’ve come since graduating from college. Has this milestone year been all sunshine and rainbows or has it seen its share of storms?

For me, it’s been a mix of both.

40 so far has brought with it…. Change. Late in 2021, after 13 years working for the same company, things changed and not so much in my favor. I knew then it was time to finally move on and what better time for change than at age 40? I gave up traveling daily at my old job counting inventory to driving just five minutes to my new job at Giant Eagle. With the exorbitant rise in gas prices, that new job came calling at the right time.

It brought a change of style. This started a few years before but it really came together in 2021. It was received well early on but I got too carried away and wore myself out this Spring. It also brought a change of tradition. For the first time since my high school years, I wasn’t attending church regularly. I needed some time to step away and reflect so far on my spiritual journey.

40 so far has also brought with it… Confusion. When my employer merged with its competition in 2021, I was confused as to what would happen to our office and where I would end up. I was confused when this would all take place and what would happen to those coworkers who became family to me.

I was confused about who I was. That’s why I changed my style because I thought it would make me happy and help me find myself. For a while, I was doing well with the changes and thought I had a good thing going. However, I wasn’t as confident as I let on and was constantly looking back instead of looking ahead. I was looking for approval and didn’t always get what I wanted. My friends and family encouraged me to “Be Me” but eventually my conscience got the better of me. To those who loved me because of my gender nonconformity, I felt like I quit on them at the top of my game and owe them an apology. I’m accepting it as a season in my life and even I thought it could have been more than it was; but, in the end, it is what it is.

40 so far has brought with it… Celebration. After waiting a year and a half to celebrate my biggest achievement in Toastmasters, a group of us gathered at Westmoreland County Community College on July 24 for an elegant event, the DTM gala. I got to earn my award the way I should have in April of 2020. What a fun night that was, disco dancing and fire alarms included. I also celebrated the newest club in District 13 of which I am part of now, Laurel Highlands Toastmasters.

40 will also bring with it… a Comeback. After taking some time off to figure out who I was, the time was right for me to go back to church. Dealing with this season of gender nonconformity and dressing nontraditionally is what I thought would bring me joy. I thought it would help me live my best life.

One night at work, I talked about my faith and my church experience as well as what Christian music artists I listen to. That made me realize that I missed attending church and missed the fellowship that I had with everyone. While it was hard to abandon what I thought was making me happy, I came to realize that it was only a phase and it had finally run its course. Next Saturday, I’ll return to the home church that I left in September and make right with everyone there.

Sometimes God uses events and seasons like this one to bring us closer together with Him n

After planning this so many times and having it fall through due to conflicting schedules, I’m finally going to start a church tour.

I talked with a couple whom I work with and we talked about what kind of music we listen to. When I heard K-Love mentioned, that rang a bell because I also listened to K-Love on and off since first discovering it in 2009 (it replaced Froggy 🐸 on our radio dial) It also made me aware that something’s been missing since the Fall.

Thus, my inspiration for coming back to church was born.

I’ve been away from church since Fall, but those days are soon coming to an end. I attended Allegheny Center Alliance Church this past weekend and will do so again this Saturday to hear Pastor Alan wrap up his series, “Without a King”. June 11 (or 12) I’m looking at either Orchard Hill Church in Wexford or Victory Family Church in Cranberry Township. Victory will be fresh off its Man Up event that weekend if I decide to attend a worship service. Both visits will be online. June 18 will be the big day though.

Father’s Day weekend will see me “visit” Cornerstone, I’m excited but I’m also nervous. I hope I’m welcomed back and not turned away. I’m listening to the current sermon series and getting caught up.

I felt bad leaving church the way I did but needed to take time away to find myself. Perhaps I could have continued with dressing non traditionally if I lived in the city (think Pittsburgh or Philadelphia). This whole thing got blown out of proportion from what it was originally intended to be.

I overreact when I feel I’m in the wrong because I don’t want to be wrong. Also, I didn’t want this to end. I was having too much fun with it. However, the magic just ran out. I wanted to go back to church, and I knew I’d have to compromise at some point.

I just wasn’t comfortable doing it anymore, given that it was making me distant from my parents. I don’t want that to happen in their old age. Ultimately, it’s for the best for me to just go back to being me.

I’m excited to come back though and pray for a smooth transition to back to my church home and back to just being James. Still stylish and slaying.

Last week I made the difficult decision to quit practicing gender nonconformity. Those of you who followed my blog in 2021 saw my posts celebrating it and saw how happy I was. Today’s blog highlights the reasons why I decided to abandon it after it brought me so much joy last year. Enjoy.

1. The magic died off after I departed from WIS in the Fall of 2021. Even though Giant Eagle is LGBTQ friendly and I had support from my new coworkers, it wasn’t the same as it was at WIS.

2. I wasn’t as confident about it as I let on. Also, I felt like I was distancing myself from my parents. The rest of my family has been supportive but it’s hard when you’re living at home.

3. I want to go back to church after taking this time to find myself. Some churches will welcome this lifestyle. However, I felt I needed to meet in the middle and just be me. I want you to feel welcome there but I know I need to be willing to make concessions. This was a hard call for me because I loved what I was doing but I knew not everyone was going to be on board.

4. I went overboard. It’s one thing to buy bags and that’s where the line should have been drawn. I’ll keep the blazers and the leopard print cardigan around. It just got too weird when I started buying those floral tops and eventually the dresses. Just like Wendy’s, it got weird (Pittsburgh Dad reference)

As I posted in a previous blog, I gave this a valiant effort and didn’t get a lot back in return besides some praise from my friends on social media, plus some in person compliments. Maybe my reach went further than I thought it would. I’m lucky that I didn’t get a lot of hate for this but I’m sure there’s some out there.

Also, after what happened in Texas last week with the school shooting, I thought to myself, “what if I was caught in the middle of something like this?” I’d be killed for being different and I don’t want that and my family surely doesn’t want that. As much as it’s evolved in 2022, some people aren’t on board with moving away from gender norms and we have to take that into consideration.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Tonight was my first time going to church in eight months. It was online (it will be that way for Saturdays when I work) and it wasn’t my church that I was attending, but I felt at home with the pastor and his preaching.

Fun fact: Allegheny Center’s senior pastor was the former Worship Pastor at Cornerstone Ministries. He was also in a video with Pittsburgh Dad and former Pittsburgh Steeler wide receiver Santonio Holmes at Christmas in 2017.

The music was performed well by the church’s worship band. They performed “Jireh” which I’d heard previously at Cornerstone as well as some other hits. The church played a video about Memorial Day before Pastor Alan preached his message which was out of the book of Judges.

Overall I was pleased with last night’s service, even though I attended online. I plan on returning next Saturday to hear the conclusion of the “Without a King” series. Although it won’t be my new church home, it was nice to worship for the first time in a long time.

I plan to attend Cornerstone as well even if only as a guest. I might technically still be a member there but I’m not sure. I didn’t want to feel like I left there on bad terms last fall. I just needed the time to find myself. John and Kelly (from work) gave me the interest and inspiration to go back to church when we had our conversation last week about church and Christian music. That when I knew something was missing and I just needed the time to find myself.

After so much time away from God, it’s time to get back into the Word.

Sometimes the decisions you make that are for the best, are the ones that aren’t so easy to make.

After feeling like I’ve been living my best life practicing my gender nonconformity, I made the difficult decision to abandon it. For those of you who jumped on the bandwagon because of my nonconforming adventures in my fashion, I hope you’ll continue to be on my journey with me. If not, I’ll know who my real friends are.

It’s 2022 and things are different. I gave this the old college try and for that I am proud of me. If I feel like I failed, it’s because I wasn’t trying.

If you were inspired by my journey over this past year, thank you. If I disappointed you by stepping away from this, I’m sorry. Please continue to follow me on my blog and on Instagram as show off some new fashions for summer and into Fall.

You can jump on my family or the church for leading me to this decision but it’s not on either of them. I came to the conclusion that this just wasn’t appealing to me anymore.

Gender nonconformity was a great experiment for me to try and I’m happy I went through with it for a while. I needed that time to find myself, we all do sometimes. I gave it a valiant effort and spent time and even money to fulfill that goal.

I want to get back into the church and for that it’s best for me to just be me. I value those in the LGBTQ+ community and I thought I could test the waters as well. I don’t do well under pressure and get flustered very easily. I was loyal to Cornerstone for six years serving in the welcome center.

Things went downhill when I started to dress non traditionally and came to a head in September. I even shopped online at JCPENNEY and ordered some men’s clothes to just to please the ones weren’t on board with my gender nonconformity. Eventually I left Cornerstone and took the time to find myself. This was the longest that I’ve been away from church since 2006.

I knew I’d have to lay low with it when I started to look for another job in November. My parents also worried that I was setting myself up to be ridiculed, even though Giant Eagle and Goodwill are 🏳️‍🌈 friendly.

After talking with my coworkers who are Christians themselves, I knew something in my life was missing these past eight months. I’ve been going to church and involved in some kind of Christian fellowship since I started college back in 2000. I’ve listened to Contemporary Christian music since 2002 and was heavily involved in Slippery Rock’s campus ministry when i attended there. After 20 years, I’m right back to where I started from.

That will change tonight when I attend church tonight for the first time since the beginning of the year (I tried out Community Church in Harrison City and might go back again, but haven’t been a regular churchgoer since I left Cornerstone last fall). It’ll be remote but I am going to check out Allegheny Center Alliance Church this evening. The Senior Pastor there has ties to Cornerstone and I have a few friends who attend there as well, including a Toastmaster.

I plan to check out a few more churches, as well as come back to Cornerstone (even if just to visit). Can’t forget Greater Johnstown Christian Fellowship either.

It’s great to be back. To new beginnings (or old, depending on how you look at it).

After taking some time off, I’m going back to church this weekend. Also, after taking time to find myself, I’m going back to being me.

I haven’t attended church regularly since I stepped away from my regular church home at the time, Cornerstone Ministries. That was back in September. I had some differences there and needed some time to find myself. No word yet on if I plan to visit again or return.

I took my mom’s and aunt’s advice a few days later and left Cornerstone. I attended Community Church in Harrison City (a United Methodist Church) and still might have interest in attending there again. This is the longest stretch I’ve gone without attending church since 2006. The next year I came to Greensburg Alliance Church and became a member there. I belonged to the church for eight years. I left GAC for Cornerstone in 2015 after the church went through some changes.

A little bit about my spiritual life: I attended church in college, when most kids who grew up with that lifestyle step away so they can find themselves as live on their own. Greater Johnstown Christian Fellowship and Slippery Rock United Methodist were two of my favorite churches to attend. I was very active at Greensburg Alliance but no so much at Cornerstone except for the front line ministries.

My post-academia life has been marred by feeling like I hadn’t done enough and being ashamed for having to work menial jobs at Kings and WIS. Eventually I came around and accepted my past (which I discussed in a previous blog earlier this week). I experimented with gender nonconformity as well and made it the highlight of my 2021.

I’ve decided to step away from that and be me once again. Originally, the inspiration I picked up in 2019 was so I could learn more about marriage and relationships. That turned into gender nonconformity as 2020 became 2021.

Changes occurred in 2021. My company merged with its competitor, that key person who inspired me stepped down and took another job in the company, and the luster began to wear off. I took the job at Giant Eagle later that year and knew I had to lay low.

I enjoyed this run and was glad to experiment for the last year or so. I’ll cut my losses here and go back to being me.

Had I not worked with the girl who would be an innocent crush and my inspiration, I don’t think this would have carried on as long as it did. I was getting more confident just as I was leaving WIS. Even though Giant Eagle is an LGBTQ friendly corporation, I constantly felt like I was defending it (and living at home didn’t really help) as my folks worried more about me being ridiculed than supporting me. I don’t want to feel like I’m distant with my parents as they get older, and that’s why I’m pulling the plug on this experiment.

2019 was a great year for me because of “her” and because of achieving my Distinguished Toastmaster award. It was also tragic because I lost loved ones. 2003 was special because of Slippery Rock, and 2000 because of the new millennium, high school graduation, and coming to HGA (where I had many life experiences and learned to be independent).

I just pray that those who were with me during my gender nonconformity will continue to be loyal and love me for who I really am.

After 13 years, I forget what it feels like to travel every day for work.

This week marks six months that I’ve been with Giant Eagle. I was hired on November 19 after applying online and doing two interviews (one by phone and one by video). After orientation and a training session that included watching several workplace videos related to the job, I began my first night at work the week after Thanksgiving.

I came in at a busy time as well, just after the Thanksgiving rush but just in time for the Christmas shopping season. I’ll celebrate one year as folks are shopping for their birds and all their fixings.

Looking back six months later, did I make the right choice coming to Giant Eagle? The answer to that question is yes. Six months into the job, am I in it for the long haul? I believe so.

I’m now pretty well established and ready to see what the summer months hold at Giant Eagle. I continue to put bids in for full time but should be fed well in terms of hours through summer and into fall. Lots of holiday hours coming up with Memorial Day and the Fourth of July on the horizon.

Last night we were well ahead of the game and slayed it, getting our grocery order done and finishing dairy and HBC with time to spare. Last week I broke down my first UNFI order (UNFI is a separate vendor whose warehouse is located in New Stanton near my old WIS office).

Last evening, I broke down the grocery order. I had some help on both occurrences but I’m starting to learn. If it’s not so crazy this week, maybe I can some training on breaking down Dairy and Frozen Foods.

Six months into the job, I think it’s safe to say I’m in it for the long haul and not looking back this time.

Since graduating college in 2005, I struggled with myself. I failed to come to terms with my time in college because things didn’t work out. I denounced ever attending Slippery Rock because nothing came of it except working a menial job at Kings. I mellowed out a little when I got hired at WIS but things were shaky for a long time.

The turning point came in the Spring of 2013 at my friend Gary’s memorial service. I knew Gary from the church I attended in college (to this day Slippery Rock United Methodist is the best church I attended in all my years of going to worship). I learned a lot about Mr. Wakefield and was saddened to see that cancer had taken a great man from us.

After the service was over and we were well-fed, I drove over to campus and took a walk around the university. Eight years after the fact that I graduated, I took in the sights and finally accepted my time at Slippery Rock University. That time alone was what I needed to make peace with my past. Even dinner that night at Eat’n Park reminded me how great I had it when I worked at Park Diner. I didn’t have to feel like a failure because a girl I liked didn’t return the favor, or because I had a degree yet worked a menial job.

Unfortunately the good feeling didn’t last long and I was back to feeling like I wasn’t good enough. The following years were better but it wasn’t until the late 2010s when I began to see real change.

April 13 is a day that brings a lot of significance to my life. Six years apart, April 13 helped me come to terms with my past and it saw me enjoying myself amongst friends at the annual District 13 Toastmasters conference. Soon after those events, I fell back into my struggles at work. That Spring of 2013, I was dealing with evil trolls 😈 at work. The Spring of 2019 was difficult amidst the fun I had attending speech contests and the Spring conference.

Grandma found out she had cancer in February and tried to remain strong even through Easter (which she traditionally hosted). Eventually she gave up and by May, really went downhill. She passed away early on the morning of June 2.

2019 was sad but it was a good year too. Going back to WIS was the right decision at the right time. I got through the tragic events of the year. The inspiration I got (from my work and Toastmasters family) helped shape me into who I am today. I got through the last few years dealing with Covid, a health scare which hospitalized me for almost a week, and getting out of a bad relationship with the help of family and friends. I’ve been able to find new work close to home at Giant Eagle and have really begun to put the old days behind.

2022 continues to see me in a good place and, picking up some new interests.

In today’s blog, I look back on this magical day one year ago when I celebrated the wedding of my fashion buddy and stylish sister and my new brother in law. In my top ten of 2021, this ranked in my top three along with turning 40 and celebrating my gender nonconformity.

I got the invite in the mail a week after I came home from the hospital. Sara had asked me what my address was. I assumed she was going to send me a get well card. Little did I know I was getting an invitation.

When I got it in the mail, I immediately RSVP’d. Rob and Sara knew I’d be one of the first to do that. I was one of the few non-family members that got an invite. When I talked to Paula (momma) upon getting my invitation, she said to me, “You’re family. Of course you’ll be there.”

Before you get confused reading this blog, if you don’t know already, Paula unofficially adopted me into her family. Rae and Sara always refer to me as their brother (with Sara, it’s also fashion buddy, inspiration, icon, etc.) and love them like my own sisters.

May 15 was here before I knew it. While Mother’s Day was gloomy, the week after was perfect and you couldn’t have asked for a better day for a wedding. I arrived around 2 o’clock and hung out with the groom and his friends before we took our seats.

It was a beautiful ceremony and everyone looked amazing, including the mom of honor/best mom Paula and the cutest little flower girl ever, Ula. Her mom Leah was one of the bridesmaids and her dad James (one of Rob’s brothers) a groomsmen. Matt officiated the ceremony. Paula gave a great speech and looked good. She would be really happy that I came out to celebrate Sara and Rob’s big day.

I got to know the extended family, meeting Uncle Scott for the first time and getting to know Rae’s husband, Good Bill. Rae came over to our table and we reunited (we actually saw each other at Target in North Huntington the summer before when I was doing inventory there). We caught up and even talked Bob’s Burgers (one of our favorite shows). We’re going to see the movie soon when it comes to theatres in a few weeks. I walked over to the head table and said hi to my adopted momma and congratulated Sara and Rob. She gave me a hug and thanked me for coming to celebrate her big day.

There was music to dance to, but we spent more time outside in the beautiful spring weather getting pictures and socializing. Sara took me aside, complementing me on my outfit and asked me, “What’s the inspo?”. I spilled all the juicy details. She introduced Ula to me and the little flower girl was happy to finally meet me.

Sara and her mom hoped to the dance Rogelio and Jane did for her wedding to Michael on Jane the Virgin but they didn’t have it down in time. It would have been cool to see that but it was still a fun day with or without the famous dance. Like most PA weddings, there was wall to wall cookies. I got my fair share of them and made sure to take some home with me.

Paula was happy to see me make a speedy recovery so I could help be there to celebrate her daughter and new son in law. She noticed that my color was back and I was happy being there. Her and Sara were also after that Coach purse I had with me too, as well as my silver metallic Ban.do lunch tote.

Friends of the bride enjoyed getting to meet me and loved my choice of attire for the wedding. While a suit, shirt and tie, or even a golf shirt with khakis would have looked better, I did well picking out my clothes for the wedding.

As the sun set on this perfect day, I thanked Paula for inviting me and made my way home, with a huge plate of cookies.

On Monday, I highlighted my mental health journey as I talked about my coming out. I also talked about my gender nonconformity which has really come to light over the last few years. While I’ve experienced happiness from it, I’ve also spent a lot of time defending it as some of those close to me have questioned my lifestyle. Others have supported me and encouraged me to keep it going, thinking I could really inspire people with my message.

In today’s blog I’m continuing to talk about my mental health journey. Using some examples to show where my mental health issues have come into play, I’ll continue to share my story and give you something to know me better by.

I enjoyed my college years. I say that now but back then I took them for granted. The first three years I was in Johnstown attending community college and attending HGA. I had my complaints about HGA for the longest time but later on, learned to appreciate it for two reasons. I had many life experiences there and it was there I became independent.

I attended a college transfer fair in October of 2002 and fell in love with Slippery Rock University. Eventually, I made the decision to transfer there and got in the next Spring. Like YouTuber McJuggernuggets and his beloved Psycho Series, my time in college and especially at Slippery Rock was heartfelt and I was sad to see it end. Graduation is a celebration of your life, but I saw it as an end and it took its toll on me.

2006 remains one of the worst years of my life because: I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life and the declining health of my loved ones sent me and my family into a tizzy. My college years were over, I had no real job prospects, and I wasn’t confident showing myself. I settled for a menial job at Kings. I could have used it as a stepping stone and watched it blossom into something bigger. However, I did what I could to get out of there (including attending job fairs and looking for jobs that weren’t for me just to keep up appearances).

It got worse two years later when I denounced ever attending college because it did nothing for me. A past experience with someone came back to haunt me. Her recent good fortune and my reaction to it sent me spiraling even deeper.

I was all set to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election and some people from my church found out. I was blackballed for making that decision and voted for McCain out of fear. This experience left me questioning my beliefs. Would I be any less of a believer in Christ if I voted for Barack Obama?

I posted on Facebook that I was sick of my job and wanted to find something better. Management found out and almost fired me on the spot but I lied to keep my job. I applied at WIS a few months later but we didn’t know that was a thing then. All this within the same week in October of 2008.

Too much to talk about when I highlight my 13 years at WIS. I’m not going to name drop anyone, but I dealt with a lot of negativity and anger over those years. The worry over so much little stuff in my workplace even affected my performance serving in higher roles in Toastmasters. But it wasn’t all bad there and I definitely could have handled that better.

As bad of a year as 2008 was for me, the best thing to come out of it for me was my friendship with Paula and her daughters. I still have it to this day and they’ve adopted me into their family. I always think of Rae and Sara like they’re my own sisters.

As hostile as my old work environment could be, I enjoyed the opportunity to get to travel for work and see other parts of our region. I wouldn’t have kept some of the friendships that I have if I didn’t come back.

If working at Giant Eagle didn’t fail the first time, who knows if I’d have started to find myself in the Fall of 2019? Would I have been as fashionable? Would I be slaying it? Gender nonconformity wouldn’t have been a thing and I wouldn’t feel as shunned but not living my best life.

DTM Huddle and Pink Cherry Dress would have been phrases likely not coined. Stylish may have been a thing but not like it is now. I wouldn’t have worn my leopard cardigan but likely a suit or khakis and a golf shirt to Rob and Sara’s wedding. Nothing wrong with that though.

The high school and college run was my best life for a long time but the late 2010s (2017 to the present) has won out. There’s more stories I can share but we’ll save them for another blog.

Bye everyone. ❤️ you.