This is me in my happy place on Saturday, enjoying the beginning of my weekend off. Was it a great weekend? It was great weatherwise. For me, I got out of the house, attended a Toastmasters meeting, and just hung out at home.

It wasn’t a great weekend either. It always happens and I break into that period where I doubt myself and my journey. Three years after coming out as non binary, I ask myself one question.

Is the journey still worth it?

Things are a lot better for me in 2024 than they were two years ago. However, I still want to be noticed. But I don’t want to be labeled as having a mental illness. I have a lot of support even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes. But am I really loving myself? A few people have criticized me for my interests and my fashion sense. But it’s easier said than done to follow the advice that my mom gives me. That is, if you like it then that’s all that matters. I rely on likes and comments from Instagram and if I don’t get them, I feel lonely and wonder if it’s all worth it.

My mental health journey has been defined by fear and by loneliness. But I made a few good moves as well. One of them was leaving WIS for Giant Eagle. That was a move that needed to be made. I also don’t regret going to the doctor to get a referral for a dermatologist to remove a cyst on my head because we were able to address bigger problems that likely saved my life in the long run.

So what’s the thing that was bothering me the most in my mental health journey? It was looking for approval from other people so that I could feel complete. This defined the first half of my 2022 and led to disappointment and even depression when I felt I wasn’t getting the boost I needed. Turning 41 didn’t have quite the charm that turning 40 did, and now I know that was OK. I needed to get that boost myself.

If you like it, that’s all that matters.

It’s hard for me to accept compliments because of my past. If there’s two people I can compare to in my life, one would be the YouTuber McJuggernuggets and the other is Forrest Gump’s love interest. I’m trying to convince my family that my fashion journey is a thing, and I also have a hard time loving myself. But I don’t want to make YouTube my job or convince people that it is a job. Also, I don’t want to do self destructive things because of how I was treated. I was raised well and what I go through has existed for a long time. What happens in the dark always comes to light and it did so for me three years ago.

I had a bit of a rough childhood and I had a few meltdowns as well but nothing like what the characters went through. But what it all boils down to is… I’m creating problems in my head and, it needs to stop.

Amen to that.

25 years ago this weekend saw the release of what I think is the greatest album of all time. If you’re into pop music, then you know it’s one of the best. If not, then that’s OK too.

The Backstreet Boys came onto the pop music scene in the mid-1990s. They released their self-titled debut in the US in the Summer of 1997. That album generated five hits in 1997 and 1998. All of them charted in the top 20 and all got heavy airplay on my favorite station growing up, B94.

My CD buying history begins in the Spring of 1997 when I bought my first album. It was a Simpsons compilation with songs from the show (from the show’s first seven seasons) called “Songs in the Key of Springfield”. The CD even resembled a donut (Homer’s favorite food). My first album from an artist was the Spice Girls’ debut album which I got for my 16th birthday. I played the hell out of that CD. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Just so you’re aware, this gender nonconformity thing dates back to high school.

I fell in love with the Backstreet Boys and this genre of pop music during my senior year of high school. All the airplay on B94 and videos on MTV’s Total Request Live (remember that show) helped fuel my buying decisions one night in January of 2000. I played those CD’s a lot during my senior year as I wrapped up my time on the swimming team.

My college years were defined by some of these songs that I heard on B94, and eventually on Power 99.1 (the Pop/Top 40 station in Johnstown). Like the disco era of the mid to late 1970’s, the bubble gum pop era of the late 1990’s and early 2000’s is a long gone era that was short. Whether it’s sweet is your own opinion. To me, it’s a hidden gem.

Today I attended my former Toastmasters club, Achievers, as I had a free weekend and it’s the third Sunday of the month. We had nine in attendance, myself included. Mike Dalton from my home club and Charlie Krebs from ESL (formerly Penn Hills) both gave great speeches. Mike talked about past mentors he had in his long Toastmasters journey. Charlie talked about Catholic school and his could have passed for a humorous speech. I hope to meet him again at the upcoming Summer TLI on June 22. I liked coming today and I might be back on June 23. There might even be a Speech-a-thon at that meeting. I may just prepare a speech if I attend that June meeting. As for joining, that’s not going to happen right now because of my schedule.

If I committed to giving more speeches and my path as I have been with this blog, I’d have a Triple Crown and multiple DTMs by this point. But nevertheless, I’m still happy to be a part of Toastmasters.

Maybe what I said about southwestern Pennsylvania becoming tornado alley is coming true. Five tornadoes were confirmed in our area yesterday including one in Harrison City. Highland Park near the Pittsburgh Zoo also had a tornado touchdown and damage was sustained on the Zoo grounds. Last Saturday, a tornado touched down in rural Finleyville in Washington County. A church saw damage and the event occurred during Saturday night worship. I watched the live feed and it had to be a scary experience for churchgoers.

Aside from the weather, I’m getting back into my regular fitness routine after taking a few weeks off due to being busy and attending Spring Conference. Oh, that post conference hangover. I bought some books on how to do yoga as well as Pilates. In addition to lifting and doing cardio, I am confident that they will help me in my journey as well.

Doing yoga and Pilates should help me sustain my fitness journey when I can’t make it to Planet Fitness. Plus, it gives me new ways to exercise and get a streak going when it comes to closing all of my rings on my Apple Watch.

Since I had the night off (correction: Weekend off) and with the weather dry, I took an opportunity to drive out to Ligonier after I woke up this afternoon. I went to my favorite coffee shop in one of my favorite Hallmark Christmas towns and ordered a drink off the Spring menu. This one had me thinking of Summer. It was an iced Pina Colada latte.

I got my coffee and sat in the Diamond, watching the world go by. After finishing my coffee, I walked over to Second Chapter Books and saw some great reads in the local section. One was by an author from Johnstown on the history of the iconic Penn Traffic Department Store. If you’re from Johnstown, you know. This man also wrote about the history of Glosser Bros. which is where Gee Bee came from. Another book was on the history of Idlewild Park, just up the road from where I was. The third book I was interested in was on the history of Pittsburgh Jazz. That one I almost bought.

I’ll make a few more trips to Ligonier this Summer as the Night Market starts next month. Since I seem to always have Thursdays off, I might go a few times, including in the Fall. I need to have dinner again sometime at the Mexican restaurant in town and maybe do dessert at the Ligonier Creamery (where there is an old Murphy’s sign hanging in the store). I also might want to treat my family to chocolate from O’Sheas at the corner of Market Street and the Diamond.

As always, I’ll come out there in the Fall and around the holidays (when the tree will be up in the gazebo).

This week was a rare treat as I had back to back Toastmasters meetings. While it’s not the first time it’s happened, it was double the meetings, double the fun. Toastmasters is an enriching experience and something I still enjoy even as I have achieved the highest honor. COVID took the shine off a little bit but it hasn’t completely taken away my passion for Toastmasters.

I attended Laurel Highlands on Tuesday and Greensburg on Wednesday.

What’s also unique about this rare phenomenon is that I served as the same Table Topics master at both meetings. The theme for Tuesday was appropriate for what’s been going on. We have been experiencing too much rain 🌧️ this Spring. Beneficial in a way, but not so much that it becomes a problem.

With Table Topics already in hand, I recycled the same questions for Wednesday night’s Greensburg meeting. It took me two minutes to come up with enough questions for a lively Table Topics session. Another first in a Toastmasters meeting happened when two members combined on a Table Topics question. Jim started and Mike pitched relief.

Perhaps the title of this blog should read, “A Toastmasters First”.

Both meeting also had low turnout. Now I’ve been in Toastmasters for 13 years (as of June 1), and I’ve always been told that a small attendance makes the best meeting. Yes, but it can also be hard to fill out an agenda for the next meeting too when you don’t have as many there. Next meeting will be better as we will hear Hillary give her ice breaker.

Another Toastmasters first that I experienced came last night at Greensburg. All six members in attendance are also Distinguished Toastmasters. Three of them recently got it in the last year. So let me give an A for Clout.

Next week is Greensburg Night Market and I’ll be down there checking out some of the small businesses and grabbing a meal from one of the food trucks. It’ll be neat to see how big this event has grown over the last few years. That same night a demo meeting is being held for a prospective new Toastmasters club in the Lavale-Cumberland area. It will named Western Maryland Toastmasters when it charters. I might attend a few hybrid meetings online in the future.

I’ll be supporting the local businesses next week and hopefully get some people to “Ask Me About Toastmasters”.

I’m off of the emotional high of the Spring Conference from a few weekends ago. My first in-person conference in five years was different than I’ve been used to, but still a success. There’s still a few things I want to take from that weekend. I’m glad I can still make room for Toastmasters when I could have easily just walked away upon completing my Toastmaster award in 2019. If you really like something in spite of making big changes in your life, you find a way to make it work for you.

Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep as much as I wanted to that weekend. Thus I would spend the next week feeling tired. There were other things making me tired as well. I went through a post-conference hangover that week. I finally beat it earlier this week and was caught up on everything by Monday night. Maybe part of the reason was the weather, and how about those storms we had last week and that tornado in Washington County? Maybe Ohio and Pennsylvania are becoming the new tornado alley.

This week, it’s double the Toastmasters, double the fun. Last night I had my meeting with Laurel Highlands and despite the small turnout, we had a great meeting with an extraordinary theme and a great table topics session led by me. We laughed, we cried, we had a good time. Laurel Highlands is having an Open House on May 28 so if you’re in the Connellsville area and want to become a better speaker, please attend. I see the same prospects for tonight’s meeting at Greensburg.

We took the cover off of the pool on Monday as summer will be making its arrival within the next month. Very soon we’ll get the ladder up (and it takes a few of us to get it in there). By Memorial Day, the pool should be ready. As I pay more attention to my fitness game, I want to spend more time in the pool this summer. I haven’t swam much in the ten years we’ve had the pool (due to being tired from work or just too busy), but that will change this year. 2024 is shaping up to be a year unlike any other.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Therefore, I will be highlighting my journey and how it’s going so far. I’m also going to talk about some parts of my journey that I’ve been uncomfortable talking about before. I’m better now than I was two years ago. I’m also not as dependent on everyone’s approval as I once was and I’m careful to pick my friends. Though I don’t people to think I have a mental illness because of my Harry Styles-like fashion sense.

Finally, I’m looking forward to Greensburg Night Market next week. I went a few times during COVID but took the last two years off. I was going to go last year in December but couldn’t find a place to park. Chalk that one up to poor parenting. From what I’ve read on the socials, it’s grown leaps and bounds since I was last there in 2021. This will be the first of a few trips downtown this summer for the big event. When a free third Thursday pops up, I will do the same with Ligonier Night Market.

It’s a Toastmasters night in Greensburg and I’m stylin’ and profilin’.