In Toastmasters, we give feedback on a speech that we hear and tell the speaker we’re evaluating what we liked. we then tell them how they can improve and then we challenge them to top that speech or step out of their comfort zone.
In today’s blog, I’m going to evaluate myself and how I did in a recent social situation. Thus, we celebrated Easter last weekend and we had some of my cousins over. Here’s how Sunday went for me.
You see, I live in fear most days. I live in fear despite all the many positive traits that I already have going for me. This past Sunday was Easter and I was lucky enough to get a day off (I had worked the night before so it was a nice change for me). My mom hosted Easter dinner just as she had for many years. We were missing two of our favorite people who usually attend. My aunt and my cousin were at Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh. Benny was being prepped for a major surgery he was having on Monday (no April Foolin’ there). I’ll be going up there to visit them soon, possibly tomorrow or sometime next week. Back to Sunday and back to me though.
There have been times in the past where I’d be visiting with family and I’d have to leave the room because I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Early on, I’d be in a social situation and would have to talk to myself or resort to a coping mechanism so I wouldn’t freak out. When I say early on, I’m going way back. Like my gender nonconformity and questioning my sexuality, this too goes way back but they’re not intertwined. If you just let me be me, all will be fine.
Fortunately, this has improved greatly, as I show no signs of this when I’m out to dinner with Mr. Clougherty, at a coffee shop, or at my Toastmasters meetings. There are stories I won’t share on this blog as I’d rather share them with a therapist or a close friend (Mr. Clougherty, Paula, or one of my “sisters”). These stories are too private and years later, I feel embarrassed that I acted like this.
I watched a WalMart meltdown video on YouTube and that has brought back some of these memories.
As for this Sunday, I passed my test with flying colors. I didn’t overthink things and I even joined in the conversation when I could. How I could have improved would be not to hide who I truly am. Yes, it was chilly and I was wearing a long cardigan. I was also wearing a sweater tank top and I hid that behind my over-sized cardigan to keep my folks at bay (even though my cousins loved my outfit). Also, I need to quit trying so hard to win everyone’s approval and just be me.
So you see, even though I worry about what may happen and it doesn’t, I still try to live a normal life.
Stylish 🍒 