Going Back to Being Me

After taking some time off, I’m going back to church this weekend. Also, after taking time to find myself, I’m going back to being me.

I haven’t attended church regularly since I stepped away from my regular church home at the time, Cornerstone Ministries. That was back in September. I had some differences there and needed some time to find myself. No word yet on if I plan to visit again or return.

I took my mom’s and aunt’s advice a few days later and left Cornerstone. I attended Community Church in Harrison City (a United Methodist Church) and still might have interest in attending there again. This is the longest stretch I’ve gone without attending church since 2006. The next year I came to Greensburg Alliance Church and became a member there. I belonged to the church for eight years. I left GAC for Cornerstone in 2015 after the church went through some changes.

A little bit about my spiritual life: I attended church in college, when most kids who grew up with that lifestyle step away so they can find themselves as live on their own. Greater Johnstown Christian Fellowship and Slippery Rock United Methodist were two of my favorite churches to attend. I was very active at Greensburg Alliance but no so much at Cornerstone except for the front line ministries.

My post-academia life has been marred by feeling like I hadn’t done enough and being ashamed for having to work menial jobs at Kings and WIS. Eventually I came around and accepted my past (which I discussed in a previous blog earlier this week). I experimented with gender nonconformity as well and made it the highlight of my 2021.

I’ve decided to step away from that and be me once again. Originally, the inspiration I picked up in 2019 was so I could learn more about marriage and relationships. That turned into gender nonconformity as 2020 became 2021.

Changes occurred in 2021. My company merged with its competitor, that key person who inspired me stepped down and took another job in the company, and the luster began to wear off. I took the job at Giant Eagle later that year and knew I had to lay low.

I enjoyed this run and was glad to experiment for the last year or so. I’ll cut my losses here and go back to being me.

Had I not worked with the girl who would be an innocent crush and my inspiration, I don’t think this would have carried on as long as it did. I was getting more confident just as I was leaving WIS. Even though Giant Eagle is an LGBTQ friendly corporation, I constantly felt like I was defending it (and living at home didn’t really help) as my folks worried more about me being ridiculed than supporting me. I don’t want to feel like I’m distant with my parents as they get older, and that’s why I’m pulling the plug on this experiment.

2019 was a great year for me because of “her” and because of achieving my Distinguished Toastmaster award. It was also tragic because I lost loved ones. 2003 was special because of Slippery Rock, and 2000 because of the new millennium, high school graduation, and coming to HGA (where I had many life experiences and learned to be independent).

I just pray that those who were with me during my gender nonconformity will continue to be loyal and love me for who I really am.