This is me in my happy place on Saturday, enjoying the beginning of my weekend off. Was it a great weekend? It was great weatherwise. For me, I got out of the house, attended a Toastmasters meeting, and just hung out at home.
It wasn’t a great weekend either. It always happens and I break into that period where I doubt myself and my journey. Three years after coming out as non binary, I ask myself one question.
Is the journey still worth it?
Things are a lot better for me in 2024 than they were two years ago. However, I still want to be noticed. But I don’t want to be labeled as having a mental illness. I have a lot of support even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes. But am I really loving myself? A few people have criticized me for my interests and my fashion sense. But it’s easier said than done to follow the advice that my mom gives me. That is, if you like it then that’s all that matters. I rely on likes and comments from Instagram and if I don’t get them, I feel lonely and wonder if it’s all worth it.
My mental health journey has been defined by fear and by loneliness. But I made a few good moves as well. One of them was leaving WIS for Giant Eagle. That was a move that needed to be made. I also don’t regret going to the doctor to get a referral for a dermatologist to remove a cyst on my head because we were able to address bigger problems that likely saved my life in the long run.
So what’s the thing that was bothering me the most in my mental health journey? It was looking for approval from other people so that I could feel complete. This defined the first half of my 2022 and led to disappointment and even depression when I felt I wasn’t getting the boost I needed. Turning 41 didn’t have quite the charm that turning 40 did, and now I know that was OK. I needed to get that boost myself.
If you like it, that’s all that matters.
It’s hard for me to accept compliments because of my past. If there’s two people I can compare to in my life, one would be the YouTuber McJuggernuggets and the other is Forrest Gump’s love interest. I’m trying to convince my family that my fashion journey is a thing, and I also have a hard time loving myself. But I don’t want to make YouTube my job or convince people that it is a job. Also, I don’t want to do self destructive things because of how I was treated. I was raised well and what I go through has existed for a long time. What happens in the dark always comes to light and it did so for me three years ago.
I had a bit of a rough childhood and I had a few meltdowns as well but nothing like what the characters went through. But what it all boils down to is… I’m creating problems in my head and, it needs to stop.
Amen to that.
Stylish 🍒 